November 23, 2011

I find some days that my patience is gone before the day even gets going. The worst part is that I usually don't know exactly why. Sure, the kids are bickering, the dog is begging for a walk, there is a pile of dishes in the sink, and I need more coffee, but none of those things is usually what is really bugging me. I try to take my vitamins, get enough sleep, spend time with good friends, and do things I enjoy, all of which help so much. But sometimes it just doesn't help enough. The last couple days have been like that for me. I feel quiet and withdrawn. I always come out of this funk after a few days, and feel normal again, but for those few days I generally spend a lot of time contemplating things I want and need to change in my life. Sometimes the changes take place, most often they don't. I always wonder what I should be doing so that I don't feel like this. But then again, maybe it's what I need sometimes. Time to look inward and withdraw a bit.

Largely, I hate the way I feel so low on patience with these little guys during those few days.

Because they really are sweet and they really are just little boys. They are trying to feel their way around in the world so much more than I am, and they actually handle it with a lot more grace than I do. I suppose I have a lot to learn from them, and the foremost lesson is, most often, patience. More, and more, and more patience. Patience for their strong emotions, patience for their slow steps, patience for their constant questions, and patience when they need to snuggle and I need to make dinner/wash the dishes/fold laundry/be somewhere on time for once.

But goodness, it's hard to see that most of the time. Maybe that's what these days are about when I feel so off. Maybe they are about my struggle to let go of me and be even more for them when they need it. Interesting thought. Perhaps I will put it to the test tomorrow and see if my patience returns a bit, because it would be nice to have it back for the long holiday weekend.